Simply Being Is Not Enough
by Emrisah
Summary: When it all becomes too much, words kept close to the heart for too long come spilling out. Rated for mild language.


This is something that I did not write specifically for this fandom. That said, I do believe that it could work, if I had actually written it properly. I do not think that I portrayed the characters accurately, but this is something that I needed to write, so write it I did. Fanfiction is my medium, and after the awfulness of the last few months, I, much like Puck, had to get this off my chest.

I apologise to those who do not find this . . . I guess 'appropriate' is the best word. However, for once, I did not write this for people to review it. I wrote it so that I could get it out on paper (so to speak). A sort of carthartic release, if you will.

So here it is. I do not expect praise. This is, in a way, simply for me.

*ｬ*

Simply Being Is Not Enough

*ｬ*

'I can't do this anymore, Rachel.'

The look on her face was enough to break Puck's heart. If it hadn't already been ripped apart, that is. Cliched as it sounded, it was true.

'Wha- but why, what is it, what's wrong?'

She moved towards him, hands in front of her in supplication. He held up one of his own to stop her from coming any closer. It didn't stop her scent, though. That mixture of cinnamon and dark chocolate that cut right to his soul.

'I just . . . can't, anymore. Being here, with you, every day . . . it's too much. I'm sorry.'

Puck turned to leave. No reason to prolong the agony any longer than he already had.

'The hell with that!'

A small, brunette-coloured whirlwind of fury swept past him and slammed her hand against the open door. Puck gritted his teeth.

'Out of my way, Rachel. Nothing you say is going to change my mind, so just move.'

'No.'

Puck huffed out a frustrated breath. He really, really needed to get out of this room. Hell, he needed to get out of this house, this city, this state. If he could manage out of the country, that would be grand.

'Rachel. Get out of my way, or I will remove you.' He looked at her, letting her know that he wasn't joking. Because he wasn't. He would most certainly remove her. It wouldn't be pleasant, but this entire year had been unpleasant. What was one more moment?

She blew a raspberry.

Puck took a startled step back. 'Did you just - '

'Yes I did. Now sit down and tell me why, out of the blue, you have decided to leave.' She crossed her arms, raised and eyebrow, and nodded towards a chair. Puck bit back a retort, but didn't budge.

'I no longer feel that New York is the place for me. Thank you for your time, hope you have a great one, but I am leaving. So _move_, or I will move you.'

Flicking his eyes towards her, Puck saw the beginning signs of a huge argument just begging to break out. However, when no words were forthcoming, he gave a curt nod, gripped Rachel's upper arms gently but firmly, and lifted her out of his way. Opening the door, Puck strode through, the harder than normal thud of the it closing the only sign that all was not well. His bag was waiting for him by his bedroom door. Stooping to pick it up, Puck slung it over one shoulder and made his way towards the apartment exit.

'Get your ass back here, Puckerman! You are not allowed to just leave without any explanation!'

Once again, Puck found himself groaning and biting back a response that would really not be appropriate right now. Although if she carried on with this, his iron-clad restraint, that over this last year he had worked so hard to cultivate, would shatter like so much glass.

'Rachel, you are not my mother, my den-mother, or my shrink. You are my flatmate. This is my decision, and as I am of age, _butt the hell out!_' Huh. Seemed like his restraint wasn't as iron-clad as he would have hoped.

He heard spluttering from somewhere behind him.

'I'm your _flatmate_?! What kind of crap is that!'

Spinning around, he saw Rachel standing across the room, arms akimbo, sparks flashing from her eyes.

And just like that, he was done.

'Yes, Rachel, you're my flatmate! That's all you ever can be to me! Flatmate! You're the one who set those boundaries, and I have done my damndest to respect that! You have absolutely _no right_ to be angry at me, none whatsoever, so don't you _dare_ yell at me!'

Rachel gaped at him. 'I have every right to be angry at you, Noah! I have been a part of your life since we were children! We went to school together, to Temple together, we're in New York working towards a dream together! And from all of that, all these years, I don't even deserve to be _friend_ in your list? So yes, _I am allowed to yell!_'

Puck groaned. 'Oh for fuck's sake, Rachel . . . '

'What? What have I done? After everything we've been through together, what could _possibly - '_

'What do you think, Rachel?!'

Silence.

Have anyone ever thought about the phrase 'a loud silence', Puck wondered. He didn't think anyone ever had, otherwise someone would have come up with a better descriptor. Not only was it oxymoronic, it wasn't even oxy.

'Noah, if this is about what happened last year . . .'

Puck snorted. Back to the present. 'Yeah, you see that right there?' He pointed at her. '_That _is why.' He shook his head, knowing that he shouldn't say anymore, couldn't say anymore. 'I'm leaving.'

'No! You can't walk out like that!'

The door was open. All he had to do was put one foot in front of the other, and he'd be gone. Down the street, across the park, and away.

And yet.

'I have every right, Rachel.' He gritted his teeth, hand tightening on the knob as he did. 'I have done everything you asked. I pretended that night never happened, I pretended to be happy for you as you burbled on about this date and that date, I pretended that I wasn't flinching every time I heard you or anyone else talk about the future you would be having with some other guy, but I can't anymore!' He slammed the door closed and turned to face her.

'I am DONE!'

Everything he had kept in over the last year. Every brief touch, every unsaid word, everything came bubbling out in a gush of red hot bile.

'You think this year has been easy for me, Rachel?'

She huffed in what seemed like true annoyance. 'Well, it hasn't been a bed of roses for me either, Noah!'

Puck rolled his eyes. 'Oh yes, Rachel, I can see how this year must have been so terrible for you. But if you think that for one second that mine was all candy canes and rainbows, you have another think coming.'

'Stop being so melodramatic, Noah!' Now it was Rachel's voice that was elevated. 'I know how difficult a year this has been!'

Puck laughed, but it wasn't his usual easy laugh, the one that sounded like birthday cake and a D major chord played on a guitar. This one was bitter, twisted, filled with pain.

'Oh do you? So tell me, then. Tell me that you know what it's like to live with the person you are crazy about and not be able to do anything about it. Tell me you know how it feels to spend so much time with that someone and not be able to touch them without knowing it would make them uncomfortable. Not even a fucking hug.' He shook his head. 'Tell me you know the feeling of your heart being ripped out of your chest and slowly, painfully crushed underfoot as you sit in a bed, listening to words you never thought you'd hear.

'Being amazing is supposed to be a good thing, Rachel. Not the reason you don't want to be with a person. Tell me that being here almost every day, spending time together, laughing together, joking together, but knowing that that's all it could ever be . . . tell me how that isn't worse.'

For once, Rachel seemed lost for words. Puck would have been amused, if the situation was different. Instead he just felt empty. He had been storing up those words for so long, he didn't think there was anything left.

'I . . . you could have left, Noah. I didn't force you into coming here, living with all of us.' Her voice became stronger. 'There was nothing stopping you from leaving before this. Don't blame me for something you put yourself through. I am sorry for what I said, I am sorry for causing you pain that night, but it was for the best.'

'For the best?' Apparently, he was wrong. 'It wasn't 'for the best', Rachel. At least not any best that I could see. Honestly, for someone so willing to take chances on everything else, from food to god knows what else, you couldn't even be bothered taking a chance with us.' Puck turned to leave, but didn't quite make it.

'Oh, and another thing.' He said, striding back towards her. 'Since you brought it up, as painful as it was for me to stay, it would have been even more so for me to leave. If I had, I never would have seen you.' Rachel opened her mouth to protest this, but Puck carried on speaking. 'You know it's true. Sure, I might have seen you when I came over to visit Santana, or Quinn, or Mike. We might even have had coffee once or twice a month. Maybe. But we both know you aren't good at keeping in touch with people. And so I would have been just another person from your old life. Someone who you might have touched base with every now and then, but not someone who was a part of who you are now.

'And oh how I wanted to be a part of it.'

Puck ran a hand over his mohawk, his tone now more pensieve than angry.

'I suppose, looking back, that this is really all my fault. Yes, I could have moved out, saved myself from all of this. If I had, things would no doubt have been easier on me. But to be a part of your life. To see you, and laugh with you . . . no matter how painful, I still got to do that with you. And until now, that has been enough.

'Until now, I wasn't strong enough to know that it wasn't enough.' Knowing he was playing with fire, but not caring, he stepped closer and pressed a quick kiss to her forehead. 'I still want to be with you, Rachel. I should have said something earlier, but I didn't. I was content to just be around you. But now . . . now I'm leaving. Because if I stay, I know I'll have to watch you with someone else. Again. And I honestly don't think I'll be able to handle that. Knowing what we could have had . . . No. Just . . . just no.'

With that, he turned around, and was gone.

If Puck had looked back, he would have seen Rachel slowly slide down until she was sitting with her back against the wall, her gaze never leaving the doorway. He would have seen her eyes slowly fill with tears, before spilling silently down ashen cheeks. He would have seen her press both hands to her chest and push against it, as if she was keeping something from bursting out.

And if he had listened, he would have heard her softly whispered words.

'Please don't leave.'


End file.
